Getting Ready to Go

On May 15th, 2008, my grandpa, more commonly known as "Papa," the patriarch of my familial brood, passed away.

I wasn't quite aware of how unsettled I was at the time, but I knew I was shaken to say the least. This was the first real tragedy in my life, and I felt that I was really late in experiencing it in my wizened age of twenty.

Funeral and all that came and went, and I knew that I wasn't quite "right." My thoughts had turned a bit darker and I started to do quite a bit of complaining. A lot of my friends turned away from me. I was extremely skinny, and still am. My body and mind and life all seemed to be experiencing and ongoing sense of loss in all forms. Loss of security, loss of organization, loss of familial strength, etc.

Then one night I had a very simple realization that continues to haunt me:

I am going to die some day, and there is nothing I can do about it.

We all know this, of course, but that night, I seemed to be able to reach far ahead into my conciousness and really feel the heavy truth of this statement. Each moment of my life and every decision I make is leading me up to and setting me up for my death whether I like it or not. And now, this sense creeps into me every so often, triggered by any reference to any kind of death or grief.

This dampering thought keeps me from being able to form meaningful bonds with those around me. It's as if I've put up a kind of mesh around myself, keeping those I love out because my love is just too damn strong and sad because it is filled with the longing of impermanence.

Needless to say, I want to get over this.

There must be a way. There are tons of ways! I mean, look at all the people around the world from all kinds of religions and places who are perfectly contented, perhaps even joyous, over their fate to die. They've figured out the secret.

So I'm off to figure out my own personal secret to overcome fear of death, which I have lately come to see as really a fear of life.

My fear over everything ending and being taken away from me is really only closing up all of my relationships and caging me up in my cluttered room, afraid to go outside because a piano might fall on my head.

No, this is not the way to live. With whatever truth I can sense in me, I know that any feelings inside me that contribute to this are not in my best interest, and are perhaps not even my own feelings.

So I'm off to figure out how I want myself to live, and have vowed to take all the scary leaps into non-conventionalism to really try and go wherever my heart is really trying to lead me into.

I believe I put myself here for a reason.